In honour of others, especially Matt Haig (see his book ‘Reasons to Stay Alive’), who have been open and honest about their own mental health difficulties I post this blog in the hope that none of us need suffer in silence and feel as if they are the only ones going through ,what can be, such excruciating difficulties. When I read this it sounds a bit grand, inflation is one of my problems so, just to deflate myself I do recognise my troubles have been like a midge bite that itches for a few days compared with what many go through, but these thoughts may have some value.
Last month was my Birthday, I have reached the heady age of 54. This last year has, probably, been the most challenging of my life and my wife’s. From the end of August 2014 I was beset with an attack of Severe Anxiety Disorder. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and once it arrived, it was rapidly clear to me, it wasn’t going away without some kind of struggle. If I look back now I see that there were many factors leading up to my crash.
Busyness; this was disguised as fulfilling a whole list of worthy expectations I had set up for myself and led others to expect of me.
Unaddressed Anxiety; I was always the calm one, that was the story I told myself and others especially my own family. In fact deep inside I was terribly anxious about a great many things. But I was convinced, because I allowed none of this into consciousness, that it wasn’t there.
Ignoring My Deepest Desires; by getting involved in all kinds of good work that provided immediate positive reinforcement to my ego I was able to avoid the work that has always been calling me – to sit in front of the blank page and wait, to tend my garden, to live a slower, calmer more centred life and most of all pay attention to my own mortality.
Not Listening; to my heart, my body, my wife, my children, my own words, (this is a really clever ruse – to tell everyone else what they should do – yet to pay little attention to my own advice).
Self-Medication; it is astonishing how good I can be at this, using alcohol, food, the internet, or even projections into the future to dull the ache of not having the courage to face myself with all my mundane human ordinariness.
An explosion. All of these factors are really part of the same whole, and feed off each other. But in my case they gradually built up and then exploded on a Sunday morning in August walking along a street in North Berwick. I suddenly a sharp shock like an electric current, followed by light-headedness and palpitations. There followed a trip to A&E in Edinburgh and then 4 months of spiralling down through the vortex of anxiety and depression. This involved medication ( I would have taken anything to relieve the perching and powerful sense of dislocation), therapy, more trips to A&E and a terrible amount of worry for my ever faithful wife and family. My emergence from the vortex has been slow and painful, and it isn’t over yet.
What helped was the gracious kindness of my wife, my children, and friends – bearing with my agoraphobia, reassuring me of recovery, and loving me. My oldest friends were amazing, walking alongside me and loving me. My Brothers in the Men’s work, face-timing, visiting, emailing and again loving me. I have been having Jungian Analysis – a lifeline that has led me into the maze of my unconscious. This was very frightening at first as it fed into a downward spiral that made me frightened of my dreams and worried that I would be overwhelmed by my unconscious. It has, however become a point of steerage in each week, a mapping and orientation of my own particular life journey.
What hasn’t helped, well to be honest; antidepressants. I reacted very badly to the first ones I was on and haven’t really seen much benefit from the ones I changed to. I am astonished that mental health difficulties have reached such a pitch that hard pressed GPs often resort to medication as the first treatment of choice. I was very quickly on a range of tablets:- Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, sleeping tablets (to treat the sleeplessness caused by the SSRI‘s), Beta Blockers (actually these did help as they dealt with the very physical symptoms of anxiety), and last but worst Diazepam. Now, as I said, I would and did take anything offered, offered by kind doctors trying to alleviate very real symptoms. They only have so much time and so drugs are an obvious choice. I also received after about a month Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) in the GP surgery from a man who introduced himself as a CBT self help coach. Not a therapist but a self help professional. He was truly delightful and relatively helpful, but by the time I saw him I was totally confused as to which symptom was my condition and which was a side effect of the pills, he could not be sure either.
Symptoms. I was terrified of everything and this expressed itself in physical feelings such as hot tingling in the back of my neck, a feeling like an ice bucket had been poured into my stomach, pins and needles in the forearms, numbness in the shoulder blades. Psychologically I felt totally altered and dissociated, like I was watching myself and monitoring every thought. I was overwhelmed by a sense that I was going mad. I had very odd thoughts of violence and self harm, this increased the terror and a large part of me wanted to be admitted to some facility that would look after me. The psychosomatic feeling of depression followed hot on the heels of all this. It was a kind of relentless plunging feeling that robbed of any savour, all the things I had previously loved. Random thoughts and experiences would bring with them this sinking in the pit of my stomach and wrench me back into anxiety.
Writing. The one thing I continued to do, actually needed to do, was writing. It was salvific, I wrote recently in a poem that, when all was dark : ‘only my pen know its way’. I sensed on walks around a local dam with my wife who has been my constant companion, and with our dogs that something might be stirring. Here is the poem.
The Tremor of Silk
I can glean a seed of comfort
from the breath panting, running,
huffing happiness that Gabriel,
my dog finds in our long walk.
It sets up a yearning that is
painful to my stomach sinking,
down bringing, drear morning
waking, aching for more sleep.
I never dreamed that I would
be called anxious, depressed,
an object of sympathetic card
sending, sad condoling nods.
I have never longed more, or
implored, or burned for relief,
rescue, to gain a vantage point
that sees ahead, an end to all this.
We are walking round the dam,
all three dogs are in full stream
where as I flood, sporadically with
down the neck, hot water panic.
Will it end or am I stuck in this
wet pathed, leaf dropped winter
that issues into no spring as the
raven dark maw won’t release me.
I wonder if dogs get depressed,
Gabriel seems the steadiest of
friends as he wanders ahead licking
the water, unfazed by my state.
His unperturbed gaze is that seed,
not relief, but the tremor of silk,
that grows in his dark eyes and enters
my belly unseen, at least that’s my hope.
So now I have turned 54 and experienced one of the most unnerving periods of my life from which recovery is not so much returning to my old self as a discovery of a deeper, more complex self, a self that has optimism and trepidation in equal measure. The journey to a new life is something I want to offer, as someone said like; ‘postcards from the edge’ on this blog. Or as Thomas Merton called them ‘raids on the unspeakable’. If you have insights to share please don’t hesitate, one of the keys to all this is never to believe you travel alone.
Adrian G. R. Scott : A Poet's Faith 
Thankyou for writing this, Adrian. It has such clarity and is so unflinchingly honest. I’m sure it will be of help to many of us who are cursed with anxiety conditions. It inspires me to look again at my lifestyle and whether I’m listening well enough to body and heart. The only sentence I might take issue with is the final one: some of us ARE very much alone as we battle anxiety and depression, especially the former: there’s better understanding and acceptance of depression these days, but I find that isn’t the case with anxiety disorders: without close family to see the day to day struggles and be alongside, I find that very few people appreciate the impact of this condition or know the need or how to be alongside, making it a very solitary battle. Hopefully this article will help to change that. Every blessing to you and the family as you continue to explore new paths and being.
Dear Anne,
Yes you are right about that last line, it was clumsy, what I mean is that although those around us may not understand, (graciously for me that hasn’t been the case, Wilma has been a rock as she understands this all from the inside), the gift of writing puts us in touch with others, like Matt Haig or Jeanette Winterson who are on the inside of anxiety. It may not ease the isolation completely, but for me it meant I wasn’t somehow, the only one feeling this. Words are sometimes lifelines.
Could you expand on the metaphor of “tending your garden.” That is so beautiful and really something more people could conceptualize and get to their under-their-nails work that needs to be done. I think I’ll definitely write something about this ASAP. I have often forgotten that I actually have a garden. My mom recently asked me to write a chapter in some sort of memoir she’s trying to compile, each of her offspring have been asked to write, and I’m trying my best to be positive and non-confrontational about it. I have no idea how to start it but the idea of “tending to the garden” I have the responsibility to cultivate may just well be the place to start with this. Keep writing — we’re reading.
“Tending my garden’ is both literal for me, actually going out and working in my beautiful acre of land, digging, planting, weeding, getting the soil under my nails. It is also a metaphor for spending time on what is right in front of me and has the potential to grow beautiful things. Writing, cooking, going to my local cafes and pubs, doing tai chi, walking with my wife, listening to my children, and of course looking after my dogs. What would it mean for you? Adrian x
This. It would mean reading others’ stories, sharing, performing chamber music and connecting with people who are much more grounded than those who I call(ed) friends that post selfies and stay in contact with me through “likes.” Sigh.
I don’t mean to be off topic or interrupt your original discussion, Kofi Adoko, so please excuse me if I am. What instrument do you play in the chamber music? I find so many genres of music healing… as well as am interested in “sound therapy” which has been utilized in energy work and learned from “shaman” traditions.
My blessings and wellness to you and the author both. 🙂
OMG! Yesss. Tabby, I’m a clarinetist!
Hello there Kofi,
I love clarinet. It might sound silly to you, but when I was six years old I was introduced to the sound of the clarinet through the Peter and the Wolf character of the cat. It was so vivid as listening I felt I could see what I was hearing. The different voices that instruments make and how they can transcend language barriers and still manage to communicate a shared experience or story is wonderful to me. Thanks so much for answering my question and play on! 🙂
But also that quote, I found, comes from Voltaire’s Candide. “Neither need you tell me,” said Candide, “that we must take care of our garden.” “You are in the right,” said Pangloss; “for when man was put into the garden of Eden, it was with an intent to dress it: and this proves that man was not born to be idle.” “Work then without disputing,” said Martin; “it is the only way to render life supportable.”
Crack🙌🏻
I wish more people would share their sincere experiences. I know, yours will stay in my memory for a long time. As a strike of lightning it might’ve caused irreversible transformation. I wish it would’ve taken a gentle form on you. Something is profoundly wrong with this world. People shouldn’t suffer from these things. Or is it just a part of having common sense and awareness, at least somewhere deep inside of us? It’s hard to be around people and at the same time you cannot deal with caused damage without people. It’s a vicious circle.
true. very true.
Hello. Hope you are doing well. We would love you to complete an interview so we can feature you on our blog. http://5thingstodotoday.com/blogger-interviews/.
This was beautifully expressed and very moving. Thank you for sharing your journey so honestly.
Suffered the loss of a loved one? Here’s something to tell you, you are not alone. Check out Love…. A blur.. – http://wp.me/p6mGGs-o , a heartcracking story. Share it with lovelies.
Reblogged this on 1angelo123.
I really appreciate the thoughts are poured down on those pages. Writing and reading are indeed a gift that helps us being connected without necessary being presented. It helps us knowing that someone out there feels the same, and thus, we might be alone, but we are not necessarily lonely.
Wow you write very good….
Being in depression is the worst thing
I have been in depression for about 6 years and it was horrible
I even went to the point of killing myself
But thankgod I found a way out
Just stop thinking that you’re so big…
I got out of it when I knew the purpose of my life… a reason to live…
Living a life with the same old same old leads to depression…. I wish you would also find a way out
54 isn’t a big age iA you will get out of it
I’ll pray for you man…
Let me begin by wishing you a happy belated birthday, Adrian. Thank you for sharing this with all of us here on WordPress. Though I am not someone that knows first-hand what it is that you are going through, I know through the tales of others how hard it is to deal with anxiety and depression. I have friends who are going through exactly what you’re going through, though maybe not to the same extent. But like them, you have family and friends to help you when you are at your most frail. Please take care, and again, happy birthday. ❤
We try.
I can relate to you 100% and I’m 21 years younger, Inwas diagnosed 10 years ago… I don’t know, my peers thought I was a hypochondriac… And I have to say that this condition is taken regularly for granted, but you’re not alone, I find comfort in writing, reading and working out… Regards
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Hey there young fella!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and moods so open and honestly. It sure does help other people out there going through the same thing feel like they aren’t doing it alone. Anyways, I was depressed for about 2 years and felt like I was struggling too. I didn’t ever take medications, but I understand the filling your life with other random stuff like alcohol and food and internet. But what slowly pulled me out of it was surrounding myself with other people (positive people) and also keeping a “gratitude journal”. Probably the small act of writing a page or less, or even just 3 things that I was grateful for during the day, slowly improved my mood. I managed to go from anxiety filled, somewhat always feeling like death, and slowly warmed myself up the the light again and then felt better. Now I feel a lot more at peace and have had to slow down and appreciate things as they come my way, even if they’re bad things.
Yea but, I’m not sure if keeping a gratitude journal would help you, but try it for 2 weeks or a month? Just to see if it helps? It took me over 6 months of wandering and feeling lost to find myself again.
Hope this helps any and I’ll keep you in my thoughts!
Thank you, in many ways this blog is my gratitude journal. Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement.
Dear Adrian,
Now I am 24, soon to be 25.
Not yet halfway to 54 myself.
I don’t know much else to tell you than that you are not alone.
Over the years I’ve suffered from severe depression myself. It comes and goes in long deep waves, like the tides. Antidepressants never did anything to help, and benzos like diazepam and alprozolam were absolute nightmares.
Writing definitely does help, finding ways to stay connected. Even one connection can make the difference in the end.
I hope your trepidation gives way, as much as it can, and leaves only optimism.
-Z.
I respect and commend you for sharing your story. I started my blog in hopes to share my own and reach out to others that may be suffering in silence. I have not worked up the strength to tell my full story yet, however I have shared a portion in a poem. I am not ashamed of what I’ve been through but it’s so much I’m not quite sure how to express it in a really short version yet. I am happy that you have full support and someone in your corner that understands your struggle. I wish you well on your journey to continuous recovery. ❤️
Reblogged this on MAKING OLD AGE FEEL GOOD and commented:
Everything that we know but cant take from awareness to actualisation…
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Great read Adrian! beautifully expressed, well written and took me on a journey!
hope you’re well my friend! depression is not something easily dealt with!
Reblogged this on amzy4022.
Beautiful, brave and raw. Bad health/sicknesses/depression is not only for the over 50.. I am 31 and all my life have been battling terrible health issues. Regardless, I will dance until I no longer can, with or without music. My boyfriend is 53 and has better health than I do.. so when they say to him “wow, you got a young one” they have no idea what w go through together. Strength & Courage to you.
It is very good
Thank you for sharing such raw and honest thoughts here. I have battled with depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia for many many years. (and yea, with you on the meds thing. I tried them a couple times and it wasn’t pretty) Everyone’s journey is different, but I think there is one VERY important thing to learn… never give up. Every day that you wake up and decide to keep fighting, try something new, attack the issue from a new angle, is an amazing victory.
If you are interested, you can read some of my story here:
http://peppersandplum.com/2015/06/19/the-evolution-of-me/
Reblogged this on presh olives Blog.
Wow. I’m new to WordPress and am not quite sure how I opened up my app and found your page, but I’m very glad I did. Thanks for sharing with such sincerity. I look forward to following.
The thing that immediately strikes me is our picture. Before I read a word I think, Look at this distinguished-looking gent, obviously well-adjusted, full of life. Perhaps that is the meaning of living inside your own head, nobody would know but you had you not shared your story with your pen. Ah, the pen. So therapeutic. My Golden Retriever is immune to my mood swings as well. She is loyal. We hike on the Appalachian Trail and her happiness, carefreeness, lifts me. I too have a wonderful wife who loves me and supports me in all that I do, and I do some whacky things. Bless her heart. You will be well, my friend. Persevere. You are fortunate, a good wife, four-legged friend, the outdoors, a pen. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Adrian, I am with you every step of the way. You express yourself in words immensely well and with heartfelt honesty.
WOW…WE THANK GOD
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and vulnerability. I am sure many feel identified with your experience. There is a free depression conference going on now where you can watch some videos about what other natural alternatives are there for depression and what might be triggering it. I found that my own depression was caused by a thyroid problem. This is the link: http://thedepressionsessions.com/
This entry really spoke to me…..thank you.
I liked your poem and could relate to much in it – such as “glean a seed of comfort” – because sometimes it is as small as a seed. Thanks for sharing 🙂
I can’t decide if this post gives me hope because someone wrote things that I relate to on such a deep level that it’s scary……or if it fills me with despair because you’re about 15 years older than me and still dealing with these mental monsters. This was powerful and honest and relatable and sad. Thank you for writing it.
I’m working on my own entry about anxiety and depression. I started it a few days after Robin Williams killed himself. Yep, last August. I just haven’t been able to finish it. Some things just hit too close to home, you know?
Anyway. This was pretty great. Thank you for sharing.
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When I was prescribed anti depressants I was shocked and unnerved by the total brick wall that met my closed eyes and attempts to look inward, and so I gave them up. I found meditation to be much more centreing and calming although meditation was frequently upset by other, harmful, practices like binge drinking. At 57 I’ve toned THAT down, I find an advancement in years to be in some ways calming in itself. I’m no longer particularly bothered by any sense of competition or feelings of inadequacy. I’ve achieved a stability, but how important my wife and her love for me is…is beyond my ability to express.
Thanks for sharing your mind. Intricacies of life can be extremely challenging and can take a toll on anyone, you are not a loner. But of course, you are blessed to have a wonderful and powerful support system, which has become a luxury for many.
Reblogged this on Sex and Relationships.
Thank you for this. I’m glad it was Freshly Pressed; it needs to be read. Depression and anxiety killed my brother 18 months ago because it led to heart failure and he would not get the treatment he needed. His isolation and refusal to accept help ended his life. I miss him so and would have tried anything to “save” him, but my company and support weren’t enough. He needed more community, and he wasn’t able to embrace the people who tried to help. So very sad. I am heartened to hear that you are recovering, and that you have a wonderful wife to be by your side (and dogs, of course).
Keep writing and keep reaching out. It will help others do the same and recover. Blessings on you!
I don’t have your particular sort of problems, but I hope I can deal with my own difficulties as bravely as you have yours. You’ve also introduced me to a wonderful new word – salvific!
(If interested, I wrote a similar themed lookback post when I turned 60. It’s more like a self-addressed card than your impressive introspection: https://invisiblemikey.wordpress.com/2014/02/26/i-am-60-today/)
never to late.
It sounds as if you went through a ‘dark night of the soul’ and I suspect and hope you are coming out the other side with some peace and renewed hope and contentment. Writing your story is such a gift to others.
I’ve always struggled with the belief of depression being a part of a humans chemical make up. I will ways believe situations can make your entire personality change. I have always said taking pills to make it subside isn’t the way to go at first. I truly believe someone should find who they are, see what occurred to make them feel that way, and start there. I’m glad you have found writing as a crutch and are chugging along.
Wow just wow that was so touching to see what you went through for 54 years if your life
U so good
I have struggled with anxiety, stress, and at a few points of my life, depression. I recently wrote about it on my blog. It is certainly a journey! But you are definitely not alone…
I would suggest meditation, which soothes mind, the hub of all emotions.
As my blog is all about, there are many things that have happened to heal me and sooth my mind. Thank you for your suggestion! 🙂
Great post, follow me n reblog this on https://pabriktasjakartaa.wordpress.com/
Crushingfilm.com
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I completely agree that doctors and other relevant health practitioners just prescribe pills far too quickly. They can numb the pain for some, until you’re told you’re fine now and don’t need them any more, only to see that really the issue itself is still there. Pills are okay as painkillers, but they gave a false sense of security by making you think that they’ve cured your depression, while the main cause remains unaddressed. Personally I’ve never been on antidepressants and wouldn’t have used them either since I never saw the point, but someone very close to me has recently taken some and all they’ve done is make him more tired. Whatever happened to actual therapy? Therapy – talking to someone who can help you figure out how to fix this – should be the first thing health practitioners describe, pills should only ever help you get through the first sessions. If even that.
Having said all that (apologies for the book I’ve just written you) thank you for sharing all that. Sharing personal information like that isn’t an easy thing to do, but it’ll give others in your position hope and – finger’s crossed – some motivation, too 🙂 The poem was beautiful!
Thank you – lovely to hear back from a piece – especially one of honest vulnerability – it is the only writing I can do. Adrian x
It was a very honest post to write and can’t have been easy to put into words, much less putting it out into the world! Depression is terribly difficult to fight through, but you’re doing well 🙂